Sunday, March 11, 2012

Chapter 12: Creep-Part 1

A/N: Chapter song has been added to the playlist. This chapter contains difficult subject matter. Please read the previous post on Bipolar 1 symptoms to better understand Edward's mindset. This and the next mark a real turning point for him.

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so fucking special
But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so fucking special
I wish I was special



We were lying under my babydoll’s favorite tree in the meadow. I’d just watched her breastfeed our son and rock him to sleep. While he dozed peacefully in his Play Yard a few feet away, Bella began unbuttoning my shirt. She loved to see her name over my heart, and I loved to have my hands on her tight little ass.

“Fuck, that feels so good,” I murmured when her hand made contact with my cock.

She smiled down at me, blushing scarlet. “We have to be quiet so Dante doesn’t wake up.”

Grinning from ear to ear, I helped her take off her underwear and straddle my hips. Thankfully, she was wearing a breezy summer dress that allowed for easy access. I nibbled on her earlobe while she slipped the straps off her shoulders exposing sumptuous breasts and pert nipples.

“Do you love me, Edward?”

“Of course I do, babydoll, I always have.”

“You’re lying.”

Suddenly, the scene changed. I was in a dingy hotel room fucking some whore from the back while she snorted cocaine up her nose. I tried to pull away to go find my angel, but it was like my body wasn’t listening to my goddamn mind.

“Let me go! I have to find Bella,” I pleaded, trying to pull out.

The whore looked up exposing her face. She had dead black eyes and stringy blonde hair which made her look like a corpse. Her humongous tits were pumped full of saline and the fake orange tan made my stomach lurch. I wanted my cock as far away from the skank as possible, but she had some kind of hold over me.

“You can leave anytime you want, baby, but you know you don’t want to go,” she purred, meeting me thrust for thrust.

“Doesn’t look like she’s enjoying this much, son,” my father said, laughing from his seat in the corner.

I closed my eyes and tried to block him out. “You’re not here... You’re not real.”

He crossed his legs at the ankles and leaned back, like he always used to do when he was really relaxed. “I’m as real as you want me to be, son.”

The whore began humming and bobbing her head to some imaginary song. She was fucking high as a kite and probably didn’t even know she was still in the act. I tried once again to dislodge my cock, but I failed.

“Look at you, you’re disgusting,” James hissed, appearing in front of me. He was holding Bella’s summer dress.

I finally managed to push the whore off and stalked across the room. “Where the fuck is Bella? I fucking castrated you. Why are you here?”

He laughed maniacally and ran out of the room. I followed him, noticing that we were now in some kind of underground dungeon. Silently, I pulled out my knife and got ready for the fucking kill. I didn’t understand why James was back, but I wanted him gone.

“Here she is, the queen of the ball,” he announced, pointing at a small lump in the corner. My Bella was on some nasty mattress clutching something to her chest.

I attempted to stab James, but the knife went right through him. I cut and sliced thin air until my arms went numb. All the while, he was standing over my babydoll and laughing at me. She hadn’t moved since I entered the room.

“Bella, please, you have to run.”

She turned slowly, looking up at me. Her eyes were dead, but that wasn’t what caught my attention—in her arms laid our son…our dead son. I struggled to remain upright as I took in his bluish lips and ghostly white skin.

“No!” I screamed, crouching down on the cement floor. “He can’t be…he’s just a baby.”

Bella clutched him tighter and pushed me away. “You weren’t here when we needed you! Why did you let this happen?”

Tears clouded my vision as I tried to maneuver around Bella so that I could feel for DC’s pulse. “Please, we can still get out of here. He’s just sleeping.”

She stood up and walked over to James. When I tried to block her, I found out my ankles were now encased in shackles, effectively holding me in place. I reached for my knife, prepared to cut off my fucking legs if necessary, but it was gone.

“Bella! Dante. Please, let them go!”

James winked at me before he used my dagger to slash my babydoll’s throat. She didn’t make a noise as she sank to the ground with our baby cradled in her arms. I watched as thick blood coated both of the people I loved most in the world. The scent of death permeated every single corner of the dungeon making me gag and vomit.

When I finally got myself under control, James was gone. I was the one standing over my family holding the bloody knife. I threw the weapon and got down on my knees trying to revive them, but my every attempt was futile.

“I’m sorry. Please! I need you. Please. Please,” I sobbed, curling up into a little ball and hugging them close. With my last coherent thought, I put the knife to my wrist and cut deeply. Then I leaned down and kissed my babydoll and our son on the forehead before taking my last breath.


“Mr. Cullen, it’s time for you to get up. Mr. Volturi will be here in half an hour.”

I bolted up from bed and ran to the bathroom to relieve my stomach. After the retching was over, I flushed the toilet and walked over to the mirror. The whole thing had been a fucking nightmare, but it had seemed so real. If I closed my eyes, I could almost see Bella and Dante’s dead corpses.

“Shit,” I snarled, taking a few Xanax. I’d been sleeping poorly the last few weeks and having severe panic attacks, so Dr. Uley had prescribed them for me short term.

Thankfully, the pills began to work immediately. I was able to shower, shave, and get dressed on time. My ass was already in the hot seat with my Godfathers; I didn’t plan to give them any more reasons to have me put away. I tried to act tough, but I was fucking scared of going back to the padded room.

Caius was already waiting on me when I came out of the bedroom. It’d been raining nonstop since we got to Washington D.C., and I vaguely noticed his leather Prada’s were slightly damp.

“You look good, Edward. Are you ready for today?”

I nodded. We had a meeting with some big corporate CEO’s that wanted to welcome me to the State Senate, which was really just a fancy way of saying lobbying. I was a politician, and people with money were willing to do anything to get favorable bills passed.

“Good,” Caius said, taking a sip from his bottled water, “Liam is already at their offices. This can be a big transportation deal for us. We’d be able to move more weaponry into the country without detection, and the state would gain jobs. It’s really a win-win for everyone.

The ride to the Polaris offices was short. By the time the chauffeur opened my car door, I had barely managed to answer half of my emails. Staying busy was the only thing keeping me from falling apart. When I was idle, bad shit happened.

A blonde secretary with high heels and a short skirt met us in the lobby. After making small talk in the elevator, I could tell she had been hired more for her looks than her brains. She openly flirted with Caius and me as if it were the most natural-fucking-thing in the world.

Mr. Strand, the CEO, stood up as we entered the office--his minions eyeing me carefully. I shook his hand, making sure to keep a strong grip as Caius and Liam made the introductions. Strand was tall, but he had feminine hands and bone structure.

“It’s very nice to meet you, Senator Cullen. I followed the campaign, and our company looks forward to your partnership.”

The smile I gave him was as fake as his teeth. “It’s nice to meet you, too, Sir. I have many ideas I think will benefit Polaris. Let’s sit down and go over details.”

The next five hours went by slowly. I used my knowledge of business and my MBA to impress the fucking lackeys and their king while my Godfathers went over the more shady dealings of our organization. Marcus had decided since I was now a politician, he wanted me mainly kept out of the illegal activities which included drugs, guns, and violence.

“Our newest jets are fuel efficient and can carry more cargo than the previous models. Our plant in Tacoma is ready for production, but we need the Union on our side. In return for your help, I am willing to transport your more…particular items into the country. We have deals with several vendors and our jets are rarely if ever searched.”

Caius nodded. “Good, the new laws are making it tougher to import assault weapons, but the arms trade is booming. We made more capital from arms deals than illegal substances last year.”

Like a good puppy, I pulled out the figures I’d done and passed them to Strand. He and his Accountant made notes as they tallied my numbers. I knew my work was fucking perfect, because that shit was easy for me.

“Impressive,” Strand mumbled, taking off his square-rimmed glasses.

After the meeting, everyone decided we could forge our new partnership by going out to dinner. My suspicions about Strand and his secretary were proven right when he practically mauled her on the way to the elevator. She took his private car home so he could ride with us.

“So, I hear you’re a married man, Cullen. How’s that going?” he asked, lighting a cigar.

I looked down at my ringless finger. “It’s good.” Luckily, that was the end of small talk.

About half an hour later, we pulled up to Tosca--the famed Italian restaurant. Several women who looked like professional gold diggers eyed us happily as we sauntered in the room. The waiter had a large table by the window waiting for us.

After I took a seat, I unfolded my linen napkin and put it in my lap. Caius ordered a few bottles of Cristal and a soda for me. I’d been banned from drinking for the foreseeable future.

I didn’t really have an appetite, so I just played with my food while conversation flowed around the table. There was talk of wives, children, and girlfriends. It fucking hurt to even thing of DC and my babydoll so I stayed silent.

Soon I was back in my hotel room. Caius and Liam had business to attend to, so I was basically alone. Strand had invited me to a massage parlor, but I was done with fucking random bitches. My stupidity had cost me the only woman that would ever matter.

I called Bella, but as usual she didn’t pick up the damn phone.  I stripped down to my boxers and climbed into bed. I fucking hated the way everyone treated me lately. I was chaperoned like a fucking teenager and most of the family was pissed at me.

By nine, I was bored and horny. I took out my private laptop and opened the Bella files. It was a bunch of pictures and videos we’d made back when we used to be happy. Looking at them, I could hardly believe what we’d become over a short period of time.

“Fuck, she’s beautiful,” I murmured, looking at a picture of her in a green silk teddy.

The more pictures and videos I watched, the worse I felt. I’d made my own hell, but that didn’t mean I didn’t regret my decisions. With my disorder and bullshit character, I was just no good for Bella or our son.

“That tickles,” video Bella said, giggling as I spread her legs wide. She’d always given herself freely to me even though she was sometimes frightened.

Soon it got to be too much. My hard-on deflated, so I laid down to sleep. The nightmares were more gruesome and realistic than before. I woke up a few times and conversed with my father—he came to me every night lately.

I had a particularly horrific nightmare in which Bella was dead in a bathtub of blood, which sent me over the edge. I called a concierge and requested they bring me some bottles of Italian vodka and let me pay in cash. Caius was next door, and if he found out I was boozing there would be hell to pay.

A skinny metrosexual-looking fucker brought the bottles up in a paper bag. If anyone saw it, they would think it contained food. Because I needed a high, I asked him if he could score me an eight ball of cocaine.

“Yes, sir,” I have a connection who supplies our high end clientele. I’ll have it to you in thirty minutes or less.” For rich fuckers like me, getting drugs was as easy as getting a pizza.

Nodding, I handed the concierge a wad of bills and shut the door. I didn’t bother with a glass, instead choosing to drink straight from the bottle. I wanted to get shitfaced so I would be able to forget my problems. Bella didn’t love my sorry ass anymore, and who could blame her? I was a crazy, toxic nightmare of a husband.

The fucker was true to his promise and returned with the drugs in twenty minutes. He’d even gone through the trouble of concealing it in a box of fancy chocolates. I let him keep the fucking change, which was almost three hundred dollars after the two eight balls he’d managed to sore. I shut the door after he told me to come to him if I needed to re-up my stash.

After snorting a few lines, I downed the last of a bottle of fucking Mezzaluna vodka while playing with one of Bella's lacy bras. With my photographic memory, I was able to recall the exact sexual encounter which had led to me peeling it off of her luscious body. Pure-fucking-torture.

Eventually, I passed out on the kitchenette floor. When I came around again, I decided I needed to talk to my babydoll. She hadn't been taking my calls for the last few weeks, but I suddenly felt like I needed to hear her sweet voice...a reprieve from hell.

"Bella," I rasped, surprised that she'd even picked up her cell, but then the line went silent for a few minutes.

"I told you not to call me. My son has been throwing temper tantrums all day, and I'm tired. Unlike you, some of us have responsibilities.”

"I'm sorry."

"Don't phone again," she whispered before hanging up.


The next day I managed to make it out of bed and get dressed in time for brunch. I was a fucking expert on how to hide a bad night, so once I was done I looked like I had had a good night’s sleep. My father had taught me how to look normal so Esme wouldn’t ride his ass for letting me drink and smoke when I was younger.

After putting on my newest blue Gucci suit, I walked to the elevator with my guard. A few floors later, we picked up a couple of passengers. One woman stepped close to me and held out her smartphone. I smiled and shook my head. She pouted for a nanosecond before moving on to the next victim.

On the drive over, I decided to check in with Jane. “Talk.”

I could almost hear her roll her eyes over the phone. “Bella and Angela are having lunch with Giles today. You know, he has a great ass. If I was still straight…”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and leaned forward. “Fuck! Are you keeping an eye on her? I don’t trust that motherfucker!”

Jane tsked annoyingly. “Dude, did you forget the part where she caught you with your dick out in a hotel room? You cheated. Bella is fragile, and Giles makes her smile. I’m not going to play Suzy Helper for you this time.”

“Fuck you, Jane,” I growled, throwing the phone on the leather seat.

What if Bella and Giles were sleeping together? It wasn’t like I could say shit since I’d fucked up the marriage first, but I still didn’t want my wife with another man. Imagining her going down on him made me want to fly to Seattle and shoot him in the goddamn head!

Caius and Liam had had an early morning meeting with a few local arms dealers, so they were already waiting at the restaurant. I kissed them both on the cheek, as was our custom, and took my seat. I felt like I was going to exploded at any moment.

“Maggie told us what’s been going on. Are you fucking stupid? Bella loves you,” Liam stated as he poured a glass of wine.

“I messed it all up now. The one thing she always asked for was trust, and I fucking cheated. I don’t deserve her or Dante. I’m fucking crazy.”

Caius patted me gently on the back. “You’re not crazy, you have a disorder that can be treated with meds and lifestyle changes. As for Bella…she needs time.”

Liam rubbed his jaw and stared at me. “Cai is right, son, you aren’t broken beyond repair. I’ve seen glimpses of goodness in you, but you’re so fuckin’ set on pushing everyone away and being alone. Trust me, you need a good woman like Bella in this life. Don’t go down without a fight.”

After eating, we went to my newly rented D.C. office, courtesy of Polaris, and had a teleconference with Marcus. Naples had been going to shit because there was always a constant shift of power. I would have gone if my godfather needed me, but even I knew my volatile temper would land me in deep trouble over there.


“You have gorgeous hair, baby,” some bitch slurred while trying to get closer to me.

I’d pulled a teenage move and snuck out of the hotel. Fortunately, my new bodyguard didn’t have Felix’s morality. It had taken us about fifteen minutes to walk to a club. We were in the upscale part of D.C. so I wasn’t worried. Besides, I never traveled anywhere without my fucking SIG.

I pushed the drunk bitch away and continued walking to the VIP section. There were a few hip hop posers and some prostitutes, but I didn’t want to sit with them. I was a fucking leader and not a follower. It didn’t take long for people to gravitate towards me. I’d worn a pair of black cashmere slacks, a gray button down, and a leather motorcycle jacket. I’d also taken time to make my hair extra messy and put some effort into my look.

After declining almost twenty women, I finally decided to dance with one. She had short brown hair and a nice smile, but she wasn’t anywhere near as beautiful as Bella. Drunk, we grinded hard against each other-- practically fucking on the dance floor. Then I led her away to the bathroom so we could snort a few lines.

By the time we got back to the floor, the DJ had turned up the music. I was fucking burning up, so I unbuttoned my shirt and tossed it on the ground. The bitch I was with mimicked me, and pretty soon everyone was shedding their clothes.

Sometime during the next song, a woman stuck her tongue in my mouth leaving an Ectasy pill behind. The coke already had my head floating above my shoulders, and the E made my dick join the party.

“Let’s get out of here!” I yelled, gesturing to my entourage.

Since we couldn’t go to my hotel, one of the fuckers in our group volunteered his Brownstone. My bodyguard had to practically carry me, and he even made me drink a bunch of Gatorade and water to flush my system.

When I got into the townhouse, I had to take a piss so I excused myself to the bathroom. After I cleaned up, there was a knock on the door. Three bitches wearing nothing but bras and panties were waiting for me. Smirking, I ushered them inside.

The next few hours were a blur. I fucked, drank, snorted, and fucked again. Deep inside, I knew I was digging my own grave.  I was basically overdosing. My bodyguard took my gun away after I pointed it at him when he was trying to make me leave. The higher I got, the more I began to lose my fucking mind.

My father became as real as he ever was, and I even felt fucking snakes crawling underneath my skin. “Get them off of me,” I mumbled desperately.

The bitch closest to me stood up, snorted a line, and left me in the bed alone. The rest were already passed out around the room or fucking some other guys. I was in my element. The old Edward had done this countless times and been fine with it, so why did I feel disgusted with myself?

I was thinking about Bella when I felt liquid run down my nose. Fucking nosebleed. Groaning, I tried to reach for a nearby towel but realized I couldn’t even move my arms or legs. I was completely numb except for my pounding heart.

“You’ve gone too far, Edward,” my father whispered, putting a cold cloth on my forehead.

I scowled pathetically and told him to fuck off. The room began to spin and I blacked out. The next time I came to, I was laying in my own vomit. My voice was too raw to yell for help, and none of the other people in the room were awake.

Eventually, I managed to roll off the bed and crawl to a wastebasket. I vomited again, and noticed my chest was covered in dried and wet blood. My head felt like it had been pounded in mush with a hammer. I just wanted to fucking die.

All of a sudden, I was being lifted onto a stretcher while Caius held my hand. The lights hurt my eyes, so I closed them and fell back into a restless sleep. The nightmares came hard and fast. Bella and Dante died in a million different ways, and in each scenario I was powerless to save them.


“I should have known, Marcus! He was acting too perfect. Yes, we’re flying him out as soon as he’s cleared. I feel like it’s my fault…”

I tried to speak, but my body wouldn’t cooperate. When it got too much for me, I went back to hell again. In between my bouts of lucidness, I heard doctors speaking and machines beeping. A few times I even heard Caius talking to who I assumed was Bella.

My father hovered over my bed, staring deeply into my eyes. “You have demons like me. It’s too hard to fight them. Just…give in and it can all be so easy.”

Trembling, I managed to give him the middle finger. “Fuck you,” I croaked.

The next time I woke up, I was lying in a normal bed. The room was too fucking dark to see anything. I sat up slowly, wincing at the pain in my joints. I felt like shit, but I was still alive. The first thing I wanted to do was get on a flight and go to Bella and Dante.

Suddenly, bright lights came on overhead. Dr. Uley and another doctor I didn’t know were standing in the doorway. I watched them write notes and discuss shit like I wasn’t in the room.

Just as I was about to lose my shit, Uley spoke. “Congratulations, you survived your first major suicide attempt. I knew you were close to the edge, but I couldn’t force you to get help until now.”

The other doctor studied me like I was a fucking scientific experiment while murmuring something about brain function. I decided I definitely didn’t like the new fucker. He probably wanted to put me back in the fucking…

“Shit!” I screamed, pushing my blanket aside.

Dr. Uley stepped forward. “Yes, Edward, you are back in the white padded room. Dr. Crowley”, he pointed to the douchebag in the white coat, “is going to treat you. He has some slightly controversial methods, but his success rate with bipolar patients is amazing.”

The dark-skinned man, Dr. Crowley, finished his chart and sat down in a nearby desk chair. “Mr. Cullen, it’s time you decide whether you want to live or die. The choice is yours.”

The next chapter will be up Tuesday. Please leave me reviews to let me know what you think. I miss Bella and Dante too. Let me have it, readers. I'll be with the Stoli. 


  1. OH MY ROB ! Edward is going very very low, except death, he can't be lower. That was a very good chapter. Thank you for the update. I love your fiction. Will Bella be there for him ? Even later ?

  2. So glad you updated :) i have so many different emotions about this chapter the unrational emotional side of me is really upset at Edward and how he could continue to cheat and i do not want Bella to go back to him BUT the rational side of me "understands". and now i am just glad that he is getting the help he needs. and this side of me still believes in their love ( i know im crazy :p) -Tally1990

  3. Lovely lady I'm LOVING those chapters and I can't wait for more! Ladies on facebook mentioned you and you are loved ;) xoxo

  4. I hope this time Edward is man enough to accept the help that people are giving him. Great chapter! Can't wait until Tuesday!

  5. This was really hard to read. Edward has really hit rock bottom now. I really want him to be able to work things out with Bella but i dont see how she could ever trust him again. I just dont see how they could ever have a healthy relationship with all the cheating he has done. I want a HEA for them especially since they are going to have three children together but right now i really HATE Edward for what he is doing to himself and his family.

  6. WOW!! So Edward has hit rock bottom and now i hope that he can clean up his act and get help for his disorder. Maybe this way he will get better and stop the halucinations of his father. He needs to let that go...Getting the help he needs and getting his life together an prove that he can be a good man to his family...maybe he can try to win Bella an his son back,,,it will take time thought as Bella still doesn't trust him or really doesn't want anything to do with him right now cause she has been betrayed , but i know that she still loves him so much. They are about to have 2 more babies and he needs to work on getting better and earning that trust, respect and love for Bella, but most of all he needs to work on himself to be the person he was when he and Bella fell in love. The avid reader(sandym)

  7. I need you to know that your writing is phenomenal!

    It's always so unbelievably pathetic that Edward gets to stick his cock in anything at all times and we're suppose to feel sorry for him, while in the meantime poor little helpless Bella stays pure and untouched by any man other then Edward. Why is that?
    I would just for ONCE find a story where Bella's not going to sob her broken little heart out and stay home like a god little girl until Edward decides he wants her again. At which point she falls down in a happy little puddle thanking him for wanting to be with her.
    Why won't she ever get to have a hot man fucking her on the rebound?
    And did she really think that a man who's fucked over a thousand women would settle for just one? Allow me to laugh out really stinking loud .
    If she goes back to him she's worse of an addict then he is!
    She needs to throw on some power panties and let Edward know she's so done with him, for fucking ever!!

    I know you probably want me to stay away from this story and your blog and I probably should but I guess I'm just as weak and pathetic as Bella is *shrugs*
    Your writing is just that damn addictive :)