Monday, November 21, 2011

Chapter 10: Black Hole Sun

*WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS DRUG USE, ABUSE, INFIDELITY, ROUGH SEX, AND MORE. DO NOT READ IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT SUBJECT MATTER.  

Also, please read the information on Bipolar disorder on this blog. It may help you to understand Edward's mania a little better. I'm not condoning anything he's doing or has done.


In my eyes, indisposed
In disguise as no one knows
Hides the face, lies the snake
The sun in my disgrace
Boiling heat, summer stench
'Neath the black the sky looks dead
Call my name through the cream
And I'll hear you scream again.
Black hole sun
Won't you come
And wash away the rain
Black hole sun
Won't you come
Won't you come

Black Hole Sun- Soundgarden

EPOV

Shit was bad. Shit was real bad. Thank fuck I'd taken Bella and Dante on one last family vacation because when they found out all the shit I'd done, they'd never want to see me again. It was almost as if I could feel the gates of Hell closing in on my pathetic ass.

"Edward, are you listening to me?" Dr. Uley asked, waving his beefy hands to get my attention.

I scowled menacingly. "I fucking heard you. According to the cunts at the American Psychiatric Association, I'm Bipolar. Big fucking deal! What should any of this shit mean to me? I always knew I was fucking psycho."

He sighed deeply, looking at me as if I were someone to be pitied. "Clearly, you're in the middle of a manic episode right now. You're exhibiting poor temper control and judgment. When was the last time you had a good night's sleep? Edward, you can't go on like on like this. You're no good to Bella or Dante in this state."

After pacing the room a few times, I sat in the chair across from him. "What do you want me to do? The election is next month, and I have a million fucking obligations. I haven't been home in four days because I'm scared I might accidentally hurt my babydoll or our son. I'm at the end of my fucking rope, Doc. I might as well let them go. Look at me," I gestured to my bloodshot eyes, "I'm a goddamn monster."

"Let me admit you. I have a friend who works for a private facility that can be discreet. I'm sure everyone will understand if you decide to drop out of the State Senate race. Your mental health is as, if not more, important as your physical health. You don't need the extra stress right now."

I bit down on my lip and tried to contain the rage burning like fire in my veins. "Fuck no! I'm not going back to a goddamn white padded room. I spent fucking months in one thinking Bella and our son were dead…"

Dr. Uley held up his hand. "It would just be a regular room. I think it's best if you're supervised. We can start you on your medication in a controlled environment for your own safety."

I shrugged and walked to the door. "I'm not doing this shit. Do you know who the fuck I am? I'm not one of your little emo pussy patients having problems because his mom didn't give him the tit enough. I have responsibilities which are bigger than me. Fuck you and fuck therapy. I'm done!"

Surprisingly, the Doc followed me outside. "I can't treat you anymore. If you don't want help, I can't help you. I'll be in touch with your uncles. I thought you loved Bella and Dante, but you don't love them enough to fight."

I laughed as I walked through the elevator doors. "You don't know shit. I love them enough to set them free. I'm fucking bipolar and insane. They deserve better. I've always known it, but I was a greedy motherfucker. I wanted it all, and  sometimes shit doesn't go according to plan. A leopard can't change his spots. Goodbye, Dr. Uley."

After the session, my mind was on autopilot. I called the bitch who was currently sucking my cock and gunned it to our private spot. A low level mule in the warehouse district owed me money for a few guns, so he'd agreed to let us use his condo. All my fucking goons were loyal to Bella and the Volturi, so they wouldn't have hesitated to rat my sorry ass out in a minute.

I had a key, so I let myself inside. There was already a fresh baggie of coke set up on the coffee table. After I tossed my suit jacket, I sat down and snorted a few lines. I didn't stop until I was numb and all thoughts of my family left my head.

Let's do this shit.

The bitch arrived on time. She was tall, tanned, and blonde--basically the exact opposite of… Not going there. Scowling, I snorted three more lines of coke and took off my pants. I felt fucking weightless and shit.

"Last time I just sucked you off. Don't you want to feel my tight pussy?" the bitch asked while taking off her clothes.

I narrowed my eyes. "Shut up. You're just a means to an end. I doubt your pussy or anything else on your body is tight. Walk over to the fucking couch and we can get this shit done, Capisce?"

She fucking pouted. "I just want it to be good so you'll keep me. I used to fuck a big boss in Miami but he got too old."

I didn't need to hear anymore. "No one here fucking cares, Barbie. After this shit, I'm done with you. Learn not to talk so much and maybe someone will keep your ass. By the way, I'm not planning to pound your pussy."

"You're not?"

I turned her around. "Fuck no. Now, bend over while I slip on a Trojan." I may have been ready to cheat on her, but my cock needed more motivation.

"I don't have all day here," the whore whined.

Groaning, I walked over to the couch, sat down, and snorted more coke up my nose.


~~LAMTAF~~

I awakened face down on a hardwood floor. Bleary-eyed and naked, I sat up and tried to remember where the fuck I was but everything came up blank. I remembered getting high and fucking some bitch but nothing after that shit.

"Damn it," I mumbled, trying to stand up. The room was spinning rapidly, but I was able to realize I was in my lair.

"You disgust me, Edward," Caius hissed, making his presence known.

I blinked a few times until I could see him clearly. He was sitting in a corner of the room, his long white fingers tapping the keys on a smartphone. I knew he was fucking pissed because every few seconds he'd glance at me and sneer.

"I'm informing Bella you're working on a project with me. I'm doing this for her, because she doesn't need the added stress."

Bella. Hers was definitely not the name I wanted to hear right then. Groaning, I managed to get to my feet. There was a black cashmere robe strewn over one of the chairs. I immediately grabbed it and pulled it on to cover my body.

"H—How is she? Is Dante okay?" I asked feebly. If my dumbass had picked up the phone, I would have known how they were doing.

Caius shrugged. "How would you be if Bella was out fucking other men while you were busy running a business and taking care of a baby? I hate to say this, but you're exactly like your father. It's not something you can be proud of either.

"Go to the bathroom and clean up. When you return, I'll have my brother on the speakerphone. I can't force you to be a husband and father, but I don't plan to let you get away with this shit without consequences," he threatened.

The man in the mirror looked like a fucking corpse with pale skin and deep purple circles under the eyes. I also felt like my insides were on fire. Quickly, I kneeled by the toilet and vomited until my body felt a little better. When I was done, I noticed my nose was bleeding.

"Damn it," I mumbled, using a fresh hand towel to wipe up the mess.

A few minutes later, I returned to the living room. Caius was pacing the floor, talking to Marcus about my behavior. I sat down on my leather recliner and buried my head in my hands. Deep inside I knew my path of destruction would only lead to ruin, but I was almost powerless to stop the mania.

I was dozing off again when I heard Marcus' voice on the speaker. "The election is next month, Edward. If we weren't so far into this, I'd have you pulled. Are you sure that you can handle it?"

"I'm ahead by a long shot. The voters care more about how much money is in their pockets than my fucking morals. My economic plan for the district went over well. The Senate shit is the easiest part of my fucked up existence right now."

Caius frowned. "And tell me, are you planning to have a fall like Eliot Spitzer or John Edwards? Do you expect Bella to stand by you when your dirty laundry is aired out to dry?"

I bit down on my tongue until it bled. The pain helped ground me to the present. "Hello no. Those two fuckers didn't have the Mafia or know how to keep shit secret. They were dumbasses."

He frowned at me.

"And I don't want to talk about Bella."

Marcus' booming voice came over the fucking speakers, which made the pounding in my head even worse. "We don't care what you want, Edward! The truth is…you can't be trusted. You know what happens to Mafioso who start taking their own supply. We already lost your father to a life of excess, and we will not lose you!"

Caius turned to me. " retta,  Bella has been meeting with a financial analyst two times a week per our request. Marcus and I believe it's in everyone's best interest for her to be trustee over all the accounts. From now on, she will dole you out a monthly allowance. If she chooses not to keep paying on a property or possession, she can sell it without your permission. We have to make sure Bella and Dante are provided for and that your wealth isn't used up by drugs and women. I've seen billionaire Mobsters lose everything to vices."

He had to be fucking kidding me. "You can't do this! La Camorra comes before everything. I am a Don. I'll go to Naples and plead for the Capo Bastone to take my side."

Both Marcus and Caius began speaking a mix of Italian and Latin which made my head spin. If I'd have been sober, I would have known what they were saying. But because my brain was out of whack, I couldn't understand half of the conversation. In the end, I knew the odds definitely weren't in my favor.

"It is done," Marcus affirmed strongly. "You will do as we say or consider yourself in violation of your oaths and the Omertà. We are still in charge of the Volturi, and our word is law. Go home, get cleaned up, and spend time with your family. Dio non voglia, I get a call from another frantic whore saying you passed out after a coke binge."

When the call ended, I asked Caius to give me a few minutes to take a shower. Before I went back in the bathroom, he checked for hidden drugs. Honestly, I was out of supply and since they were on to me it was going to be harder to get more. Thankfully I had contacts and connections my godfathers didn't know existed.

The hot water felt good on my sore muscles. I cringed when I saw pink lipstick on the edge of my shaft. The fucking bitch had obviously tried to blow me when I was getting close to passing out. The whole thing made me feel sick again, and I would have vomited if there were any food left in my system.

A few minutes later, I was dressed and staring at myself. "Vaffanculo," I hissed, putting my fist through the glass mirror. I looked down at my bloody knuckles, expecting the pain to come, but I just felt numb.

"What the hell is going on in here?" Caius yelled, practically breaking the fucking door.

I held up my hand. "I'm sick, Cai. Have you spoken to Dr. Uley?"

He went to the bathroom cupboard and retrieved the first aid kit. Then I sat on top of the toilet seat while he checked for broken bones and wrapped me up. Looking down at his white head, I remembered him from my childhood, always making sure that I was safe.

"Thank you," I whispered, flexing my fingers.

He sighed and stood up. "Dr. Uley told us everything we need to know. Marcus wants you to check into a care center once the election is over. We'd planned to have a long sit down, but you know things in Naples are going bad quickly. Marcus may not be available. I'll go with you, and you're allowed to have visitors."

I nodded. "Do you think it will help? I'm fucking crazy. I see Edward Senior and hear his voice. Bella and Dante need a real man, not some fucking psychotic that can't be trusted. I hurt her, Cai. I can't say I won't do it again. I know I have to let her go, but she's my heartbeat. Losing them will probably kill me."

Suddenly, he grabbed my head and shook it. "Fight! I watched you hunt down dozens of men to get revenge when you thought they were dead. You would have gone to the ends of the Earth to get them back, and now…now you give up like a coward. Che cazzo stai dicendo?"

Angrily, I pushed him away. "You don't know what it's like to be me. I can't fight fucking Bipolarism. What am I going to do, huh, take medication the rest of my life? I may have passed this shit down to Dante, and he's so innocent. Bella won't want me anymore."

He shook his head sadly. "You are the only one holding yourself back, Edward. Bella has loved you through everything! It takes a special kind of woman to love men like us--not for what we can give them, but just for ourselves. You were lucky enough to find it at a young age, and here you are throwing it in her face."

I didn't want to hear anymore bullshit, so I went to the bedroom and began throwing things in the hamper. It was time to have the blindfolded maid make another cleaning visit. I'd been sleeping in the lair most nights, so the place was a goddamn mess.

~~LAMTAF~~

An hour later, we pulled up to the mansion. The day was cold with a light drizzle, but my new butler, William, still came out to see if I needed assistance. Stoically, I handed him my bag and let him lead me into the house. As usual, everything was pristine and polished.

"I know it's not my place, Sir, but Mrs. Cullen seems ill. Several family members have been trying to get her to eat or rest, but she'll do neither. I only speak of it because I'm worried for her health," William confessed as he carried my bags to the bedroom.

I grimaced, imagining my wife up late worrying about my stupid ass. I definitely wasn't worth her tears.

"Thank you. I want you and Hilda to take care of her and Dante when I'm not around." William promised he would and left me at the door.

It was a little after nine, so Bella was already in bed. I smiled when I saw DC sleeping next to her. His little thumb was in his mouth and every once in a while, he suckled. I wondered if he ever dreamed of me. It wasn't like I was around much in real life.

My babydoll must have heard me, but she never looked my way. All her attention was focused on whatever she was watching on the wall-mounted Plasma screen. I took a moment to just look at her, and goddamn she was as beautiful as ever. No woman could make an oversized t-shirt and messy hair look so fucking sexy.

Let her go.

I was about to speak when all of a sudden, I heard my voice coming from the speakers: "I love you so much that I think I'll burst with the feeling. Tonight, I give myself to you, forever." Bella was watching our wedding video.

"Why did you lie to me?" she asked quietly, finally turning to look at me. Her eyes were bloodshot from crying and she looked like she hadn't slept in months.

"Babydoll," I sighed, closing the distance between us and kneeling beside her side of the bed.

Bella recoiled. "No! I'm not your babydoll anymore. I've tried to make this marriage work, but you go off and do what you want, when you want. Dante and I aren't just some toys you can keep for when you decide to play house. We deserve better than what you're giving us."

This was what I wanted, but it still hurt. "I'm Bipolar. Dr. Uley wants me to check into a facility and start medication. I don't expect you to stay with me through that shit."

My babydoll surprised me with a hard slap on the cheek. "You think that's why I'm mad? I vowed through sickness and in health. Do you know I got Dante to bed early last night and made dinner so we could talk about this? I brought home books on Bipolarism from work and did some research on my laptop. I was here for you, but you decided not to come home! I'm always here for you! It hurts, Edward. This," she pointed to her heart, "hurts. I can't continue loving a man who clearly doesn't feel the same."

Our loud voices must have woken DC up, because he began wailing. Bella turned away from me and picked him up. I sat on the floor and watched her coo and breastfeed him until he fell asleep again. Then she left to put him in the nursery.

When she returned, I was sitting on my side of the bed watching the video. The day I married Bella had been one of the best days of my life, even though it wasn't under the best circumstances. Captivated, I stared when her face lit up as we kissed at the altar.

"I want to burn that disc and all the pictures. I just feel…angry and betrayed. I know you've been with other women. I can smell them on your clothes. You knew this would hurt me! I was willing to put up with anything except infidelity. You've broken me, Edward, and I don't know if I can ever be whole again," she sobbed.

For some reason, I felt like I needed to lie. "I haven't cheated on you, Bella. You're the only one in my heart. Always."

She scoffed and got in my face. "Lies! I may have been in your heart, but how many have been in your pants? It disgusts me to look at you. I would have never given another man what I gave you! The very thought makes me ill."

I smirked arrogantly. "For all I know, you may be riding Giles' cock while I'm away. Don't put all the blame on me--you pushed me away. After DC was born, our sex life began to suffer." At that point, I wanted to provoke her enough to hit me again. My whole body craved the pain.

"You're blaming our son?" she asked incredulously. "I made time for you. Sure, I can't fuck you all times of day, but you can't say I didn't try hard to balance my wifely duties with motherhood. You're an ass! Say what you want about me, but never imply that our baby had anything to do with us ending up here.

"As for Giles, I wish I'd have met a man like him instead of you. At least I wouldn't spend every night worrying and crying my eyes out."

I was shocked by how much her admission hurt me. "Well, why don't you go be with that fucker, or are you worried that his dick won't be as big as mine? I bet he can't make you scream like me."

Bella turned away. "You're vulgar and mean. I don't want to do this anymore. You hurt me, I hurt you, remember? It didn't work out well for either of us the first time. I'm just…cold. Your love used to be the warmth that sustained me, but now…now I'm cold and empty. I thought losing my parents was the worst pain I could ever experience but watching our marriage crumble hurts just as badly."

I closed my eyes and sighed. "What now?"

She cried out loudly, collapsing on the bed. "You don't even want to try?"

"What for? I'm done with this shit and so are you. It's only going to get worse. I don't want you anymore. I don't want this…this family life. I thought I did, but I changed my mind."

Bella began laughing humorlessly. "So all of this was just a whim, huh? I saved your life in Italy and almost lost mine in Russia. You promised me and your son forever, but you didn't even give us two years. What do I tell Dante when he asks about his father?"

"Tell him I am a goddamn loser, and he's better off without me. I…I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm moving back into the condo. I'm so fucking sorry, Bella. I should have never hired you at the club, and you would have had a happy life with some other motherfucker," I admitted sadly.

While she sat crying, I threw some things into my Gucci rolling luggage. I never wanted anything as badly as I wanted Bella, but all I did was hurt her. It was more humane of me to let them go and find their happiness. My life was toxic, and I'd be damned if I drag my family down into my personal hell.

"She'll thank me in the end," I muttered to myself as I zipped up the luggage.

Before I left, I leaned down and kissed my angel's forehead. "La calma è la virtù dei forti. The calm is the virtue of the strong. There is no stronger person alive than you, my angel. I love you. I love you enough to set you free. Sleep, my Bella."
.
Languidly, she wrapped her small arms around my neck. "It's all a nightmare, right? When I wake up, you'll be here with me. We'll work out all our problems. Te amo, Edward," she whispered, closing her glorious brown eyes.

"Te amo, babydoll. I'll never stop."

After I left her, I went to the nursery, picked up my son, and rocked him gently. He never opened his eyes, but he did smile. I hugged and kissed him, breathing in the innocent scent that only new humans seem to exude. He was perfect in his pureness, and I never wanted to mar his countenance.

"I love you, Dante," I whispered, laying him back on the bed. Then I put on the lullaby I wrote for him and left the room. I'd still see my son, but it would be best for everyone if my visits were kept to a minimum.

On my way to the car, I stopped to call Jasper. His sister would need him during these hard times. "I'm leaving, Jasper. She needs you. Take time off from HADES. I'm sorry. I know I'm not good for her. You've always been right about me."

He cursed loudly. "So what, you get to just walk away? Do you know this will destroy her or do you not care? I already picked her up from Charlie's death. Fuck, man, you're her husband. I hate you for this. Don't worry, I always take care of Bell." With those parting words, he hung up on me.

My phone rang nonstop as I drove back to the city. I knew Esme, Alice, and all the rest would be after my ass, so I ignored everybody. Instead, I turned on some Chopin and used the last of the cocaine in my glove compartment. By the time I arrived at the clubI was numb.

Unfortunately, Felix was waiting for me in the private parking area. "I can't work for you anymore," he said, handing me his badge.

I nodded because I had known it was coming. "Jane could use the help. Protect them with your life."

"You're making a big mistake. She won't wait for you forever," Felix warned as he walked away.

Anna was already at her desk when I got there. I closed the main door and unlocked the door of my office. She was talking to me, but I chose to ignore the bitch. A few days after I got back from Greece, she sucked me off at her desk. I'd had to drink a whole bottle of Scotch to get it up that night.

"Hey, Daddy, what's wrong?" she asked, walking up behind me.

I turned around and grabbed her shoulders. "I'm not your fucking daddy, understand? Go back to your desk and leave me alone."

Unperturbed, she batted her fake lashes and stuck out her chest. The red dress she was wearing barely covered her tits and ass. She looked grotesque and I wondered why I ever hired the bitch in the first place.

"I can make you feel so good. Whatever Bella has done…"

In a flash, I had her bent over on the desk. Snarling, I ripped the dress, slipped on a condom, and entered her anally. She cried in pain as I ripped through her insides. I fucked her hard and fast, not wanting her to get any pleasure. I even ripped the condom off and came on her sweaty back. She was a fucking whore and deserved to be treated as such.

When it was over, she turned around and stared at me. "That…that hurt, you asshole! What the hell is the matter with you?"

I used Kleenex to clean off my dick and discarded the condom. "I told you not to ever say my wife's name.
You can't fucking listen! Our shit is done. Finish out the week, and then I'll have you relocated out of state. I can't stand to look at you."

The bitch started giggling. "Look at you, aren't you a big man! You act like I'm the only whore in this room. At least I'm honest with what and who I am. You're nothing but a liar, and I'll make sure you pay for this. I'm not afraid of you, Edward Masen-Cullen."

"Is that a threat?" I asked quietly.

"It's a promise."

I leaned in until we were nose to nose. "I've made more important people than you disappear. I may not kill women, but I know of ways to make you wish you were dead. Go after me or my family and your ass is mine. Get the fuck out of here."

After scrambling away from me, Anna packed her shit and left. She'd had to wear an overcoat since I ruined her dress. Still in a bad mood, I picked up the scraps and discarded them in the trash. Out of sight, out of mind.

~~LAMTAF~~

Hours later, someone knocked at the door. I started to tell whoever it was to go away, but I'd been smoking weed and drinking--I wanted a little company. Unfortunately, the person at the door was not someone I wanted to see.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Gina?" I asked, closing the door behind her.

She sat down in the guest chair and lit a fucking cigarette. "I don't like how we ended things. I was scared…and I may have overreacted."

"Overreacted? Bitch, you called my wife! After we get through this campaign, I never want to see you again. We didn't have anything special. I stuck my dick in your mouth, and you did your duty. It's over."

She stood up to leave, causing me to notice her talon, which were painted black with a white feather drawn on the tips. I closed my eyes, imagining them digging into my back until I bled.

Slowly, I unbuttoned my shirt. "Come back."

"What?" she asked, her eyes going wide when she saw my chest.

I pointed to her hands. "I know you've had some Dominatrix training because D has a big mouth. I think you know what I want."

She walked over and sat on the edge of the desk. I almost whimpered when the first nail penetrated my hard flesh. I thought of Bella's tears, saying goodbye to DC, and watching that wedding video. Each time the pain came, I felt a little bit better.

After what felt like hours, I looked down at my bloody chest, wincing when I felt the same scratches on my back and shoulders. Gina started at me as she cut off what was left of her talons. I was thankful for the peace and quiet because it let me soak up the hopelessness of the situation.

"You're sick, Edward. I can't do this again," she sighed, using some antibacterial stuff on her hands.

"I don't expect you to do it again. I'll put some extra money in your check. Keep this between us, not even D can know."

When Gina left, I locked up everything and entered the lair. The place was clean, so I knew the maid had been by recently. There was even food in the pantry. I heated up some shrimp scampi and ate by the fire. The urge to call my babydoll was strong, but I fought it. Besides, she'd be asleep at this hour.

I took a quick shower in scalding hot water, savoring the burn. Then I put on some boxers and climbed into bed. The silk sheets and soft bed were too good for me, so I laid down on the floor instead. It was cold and hard, just like I felt inside.

"It's not so bad, is it, Edward? Men like us are born to ride alone. I always knew you'd end up here. Tempo al tempo," my father said from his place in the corner. I'd gotten used to seeing him now, so it was sort of a comfort.

"Goodnight, old man."

~~LAMTAF~~

"So, Mr. Cullen, can you give our readers any tips to a happy and successful marriage?" I was being interviewed for a local women's magazine which had endorsed my campaign. The sheer irony was not lost on me.

"The wife is always right," I laughed, playing up my audience. "Make sure that you make time for each other. As you all know, Bella," It physically hurt to say her name, "and I have a precious little boy. It's harder for parents to find time to be intimate, but we make an effort."

The interviewer loved it. "Mrs. Cullen is certainly a lucky woman. You make a beautiful couple. I just wanted to steal Dante away when I interviewed her at your house."

A few more forced laughs and I was done. I wasn't the first politician to tell bold faced lies to the public, and I sure as shit wouldn't be the last. The only hard part had been talking about Bella. Even though I was an ass, she'd agreed to keep our problems private so I could win the Senate seat.

Fortunately, Gina stayed back to give some pre-approved quotes which would make me look even better. It had been a week since the talon incident, and she'd been strictly professional. I'd actually been surprised she hadn't tested me. Anna, on the other hand, had had to be forcibly removed by one of my goons a few days ago.

I was getting into my car when my phone buzzed. Without thinking, I answered. "Edward Cullen, here."

"I miss you, honey." Bella's teary voice and use of the endearment almost made me want to beg for her forgiveness.

I sighed and gripped the steering wheel. "I miss you, too, but we need this. I'm not good for you anymore. My mom told me that you aren't eating enough. Please, don't make yourself sick on my account. How's DC?"

She sniffled. "Is it really this easy for you? I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I'm supposed to be happy with planning my book tour, but it all seems so insignificant without you by my side."

"It's not easy for me, babydoll," I admitted honestly. "I've done so much bad shit. You wouldn't want who I've become...who I've always been. I made you fall in love with the illusion, just like my father did to Esme. The reality is a fucking mess."

I heard some shuffling and then a door close. "You said you loved me enough to set me free, so I'm doing the same for you. I'm at Jenks' right now getting separation papers drawn up. I thought about filing for divorce, but I want to give you one last chance. I'm willing to work with you, Edward, but you have to give me something. Do you want to dissolve our marriage?"

My heart spoke before my brain could fully process the words. "No. I still love you."

She was silent for several minutes, and then began speaking rapidly. "Come over and have dinner tonight. Dante misses you. We can both sign the papers at the mansion, and Jenks has agreed to keep everything out of the press. He's handling this one personally."

I didn't want to see her and get sucked back into the life I could never live. "I can't come tonight but later this week. Kiss my son for me." Bella sounded disappointed as she promised to tell Dante I called and disconnected.

After speaking to her, I felt like shit, so I drove to the lair and changed. Then I traded in the Phantom for a Ducatti and drove to the docks. There was a real life Fight Club happening on one of the fisherman's boats. I knew the fucker who ran it, and he'd gotten me a spot. Rich guys like me paid for working class guys to beat with us until we bled.

"Edward, long time no see," Solomon greeted, leading me down a set of narrow stairs. Pretty soon the smell of sweat, blood, and old cigars entered my nose.

I stripped down to just my jeans as they paired me with some big bald guy. He started out with jabs, which I was able to reciprocate easily. Over time, we began to really brawl. A few shitheads came to watch our fight. I relished the feel of the brute's fists hitting my back and stomach. He would leave tons of bruises.

In between, I smoked a shitload of PCP and took a few steroid shots. Shit started to get hazy and less and less of my punches connected. I centered myself and made him come to me. His meaty fists did a lot of damage, but I was also kicking the shit out of him.

"Give up," he taunted, flexing his muscles for the crowd.

I gave him a roundhouse kick to the head which flattened his stupid ass. "I fight dirty," I snarled, panting as Solomon led me off the floor amidst cheers.

They sent some bitch in to ice my injuries and give me a rubdown, but I declined. She just shrugged and went to the next room. The night hadn't been about sex; I needed the pain. I knew that I'd sleep well.

~~LAMTAF~~

Two days later, I woke up naked in bed with three whores. I'd gotten fucked up and had my newest trusted goon rent me a suite at the Fairmount. It was the same place my father used to take his bitches, and where I'd gone to have the orgy when I thought Bella had cheated on me and was pregnant with Alec's baby.

Don't think about her.

Carlisle and Emmett had surprised me at the campaign office the other day. They begged me to do what Dr. Uley wanted, but unless I harmed myself or others no one could force me to check into a mental health facility. I'd already harmed myself, but it wasn't like I had tried to commit suicide. They had nothing. Thankfully, Cai and Marcus were busy with Naples shit and had little time to chastise me.

I was a master at lying, which proved a life in politics was for me. It was easy to put on a mask and do interviews or campaign visits to local businesses. The newspapers declared me ahead seventy to thirty, so I knew it wouldn't be long before I was a Senator. My position in the Mafia helped keep my other activities a secret. The Volturi had dirt on every power player in the United States and would use it if necessary.

I lazily smoked a bowl while two of the bitches scissored each other. The third bitch was busy watching television and eating cereal. They were all Japanese, and their Boss had sent a heroin supply with them on the plane. Like Anna, I never took their pussy, instead fucking them in the ass or making them blow me. In my fucked up mind, I thought my way was better.

The bitches had been given strict instructions, and I had goons in the other rooms for safety. If anyone tried to fuck me over, their ass would be dead. The Yakuza were stricter than us, so they didn't tolerate shit--not even from women and children. These particular whores had been trained well.

Around six, I began feeling sick to my stomach. One of the bitches brought me a bottle of ginger ale and some crackers. I dismissed all but one, and laid down until my stomach felt better. It wasn't long before the fever came.

Instead of calling Carlisle or going to a doctor, I prepared a needle and shared it with Lei, the one who remained. She was a smack pro, knowing how to light the foil just right and find the vein. For the first time, I recognized sadness in her eyes. She was trapped just like me, which made me feel closer to her.

We curled up naked by the fire, not bothering with a blanket. Before long, Lei began sobbing. I sang some silly limerick Esme used to sing to me and cried right along with her. In my delirium, I told her about Bella and Dante. It felt good to talk about them again, even if she wasn't listening.

"I need to go home," I whispered quietly while watching the flames. "I need to fight for them."

I must have passed out again, because when I woke up Lei was curled up next to me. My body felt like I'd been in a car accident, but I struggled to sit up. The fire was still burning--it was the only source of light in the room.

Suddenly, I heard a noise behind me. "I knew it! I guess…I guess I had to see it for myself. I'm so stupid."

Forgetting about my nudity, I ran towards the voice. "Bella. Bella, please, I can explain."

She spun around and gasped. In the new light, all my bruises and scars were clear. "Jesus Christ, Edward, what have you done to yourself? Is this the life you want? You're going to die if you don't end this self-destruction! I can't," she gestured to my chest, "believe this. I'm going to be sick," she mumbled, clutching her stomach.

I took a step towards her, but she backed away. "I'm sorry."

My angel cringed and took off her rings, throwing them at my feet. "I'm done, Edward. I can't believe I've been so incredibly stupid. I'm just your doormat, and that's all I'll ever be in this relationship. If you want to see Dante again, check into the care facility. I can't trust you anymore. You've hurt me so much, and now I'm through. I'll have Jenks change the separation to a divorce. I want you to know I'll never forgive you for doing this to me. I loved you, but I guess it meant nothing."

I sat down on the floor and looked up at her. "You may not believe it, but I still love you."

Crying, my babydoll sprinted from the room. A part of me wanted to chase after her, but I knew this was all for the best. Monsters weren't meant to spend eternity with angels. My babydoll was too good for me.

I hadn't noticed Rose in the room until she spoke. "I tried to talk her out of coming. Emmett is worried about you, and now I see why. Stop pushing your family away. You'll need support. Call your mom, she's worried about you, too."

I was so fucked up I didn't care about being nude in front of my sister-in-law. "Take care of Bella. Despite all of this shit, I do love her."

Rose's ice blue eyes regarded me warily. "That's what makes this so sad. You feel it, but you won't even try to make it work."

After she left, I grabbed a blanket to cover Lei, dragged my sorry ass to the bathroom, and ran a bath. As I watched the tub fill, I thought about fucking offing myself. I imagined slitting my wrists and watching the blood pool around me. The sensation to end it all was strong. Then I saw their faces. Bella and Dante would be devastated if I died, and I'd already hurt them enough for one lifetime.

"I'm proud of you, son," my father said, clapping his manicured hands. He was wearing his favorite monogrammed robe this time.

"Fuck you. Go back to hell where you belong," I muttered, slipping down into the water, hoping that it could make me clean again.

Terms

**Dà retta—Pay attention. Listen
**La Camorra—The Volturi Mafia's organization
**Omerta—Mafia code of honor
**Dio non voglia—Heaven forbid
**Vaffanculo!Fuckyou!
**Che cazzo stai dicendo—What the hell are you talking about?
**Tempo al tempo—All in good time
**Yakuza—Japanese Mafia


I know everyone hates Edward, but it had to be this way. He had to hit rock bottom to begin crawling out of this mess. It will be a long and painful journey for him and Bella. I'm not promising an HEA but I want one as bad as you guys. Reviews get Dante hugs. I'll be hiding with my Stoli. *Huggles*

8 comments:

  1. Believe it or not, I totally understand Edwards mind right now. You see, I also am Bipolar. The shit that can run through my mind could make terrorists cringe sometimes. It's very crippling to not be able to control my thoughts or actions. I have repeatedly hurt and pushed loved ones away, yet they somehow forgive me, which only makes me feel worse. Medication only helps if taken religiously. I do hope for a HEA for B & E.

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  2. oh my god so sad! I missed them and bb Dante so much. Edward is going through hell, I can only feel sorry for him cause he ruins the best thing that ever happened to him Bella and his son :(

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  3. Love the Work bb :D Can't wait for more now that Edward is already rock-bottom XOXO

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  4. Eu não odeio o Edward. =/ Estou pesarosa por ele.
    Ah meu nome é Hádila.

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  5. It's very hard for them and for the readers. But I also hope for a good end. It could be so easy for Edward to heal. And he is not alone.
    Poor Bella, she must hold on for Dante.
    Thank you for the addictive fiction.
    I wish you and your family the best Christmas ever.

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  6. I am all caught up now. Only took me a day and half which means next to no housework was done though I am totally okay with that. :) This is a disturbing, heartbreaking, beautifully written story. The writing just keeps getting better. There is a big difference from the first one to this one. Job well done. Life is not black and white and I like where this story is going. Do I hope for Bella and Edward to work out? Of course. Do I think it could happen? Yes, anything can happen. Mental disorders are tough and everyone deserves redemption. I'm thankful I got mine. I have a family member that has the same issue and it has been hard and wonderful watching them bring themselves back up. With a love like you are writing about I can totally see the two of them coming back together and not HEA. It doesn't exist. Life is hard work and i love that you are writing all the struggle. From Bella side I could really see how difficult it would be to walk away from a love like that even if at the moment it is destructive. I hope people have started to give you a break. Like you said they don't have to read it. But I am enjoying the story and look forward to what is next. Thank you for sharing!

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  7. Ps part of me wants to see Bella move on and part of me doesn't. Testament to the writing. Everything is not cut and dry answers!

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  8. Wait!! Wait, wait, wai-eeet.... You're not promising an HEA?!?! Wha? *cringes as she clicks "next"*

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