Monday, April 18, 2011

Chapter 6: Hurt

A/N: There's not much to say. Some readers have left for good and others for a short time. If you're still with me, thank you. Please keep reviewing and telling me your thoughts. If my fic is making you depressed or hate life, please stop reading. I don't want to be the reason you're crying your eyes out everyday. Huggles to all my twarlings.


Disclaimer: SM owns all. I'm just a poor wannabe dabbling in her genius.

I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain 
The only thing that's real The needle tears a hole 
The old familiar sting Try to kill it all away 
But I remember everything What have I become 
My sweetest friend Everyone I know goes away In the end 
And you could have it all My empire of dirt 
I will let you down I will make you hurt

Hurt-Johnny Cash


"I don't need this shit, Bella," I yelled, throwing a glass against the wall.

Glaring, she put her small hands on her hips and got up in my face. "You are a selfish bastard! Nothing should keep you away from your son. You may not care about me anymore, but he matters. He's supposed to be your top priority."

I pinched the bridge of my nose, taking a drag of my cigarette. "I fucking said I'll handle everything. Unlike you, I have important shit to do. Dante is only six-months-old. He won't care if I'm not at his birthday party. Fuck, he probably won't even remember this shit. Please, get the fuck out of my face and go bother someone else. You've been a real bitch these past couple of days. Are you on the rag?"

Yeah, I knew it was dick move. My anger issues were out of control. My babydoll was the easiest outlet. She let me treat her like garbage and still stayed. It made me feel good to watch her hurt, to know I wasn't alone in this misery shit.

"Am I what?" she asked, glaring at me. "I don't even know who you are anymore, Edward. You only come home to yell at me and change clothes. You don't spend any time with our son. Why don't you get out of my face and go to one of your bimbos."

Before the sentence was done, I had Bella up against a wall. Her chocolate eyes widened as I lifted her arms over her head, effectively rendering her helpless. She fought like the wild tigress whom I loved, and pretty soon my dick was as hard as granite.

"You want me to fuck you, babydoll. All this shit is due to tension. Give in. We'll both feel better," I murmured, licking her collarbones.

"D-don't touch me, bastard," she stammered, pushing me away.

Laughing, I reached between us and lifted up her skirt. Underneath, she had on a small pair of lace panties. They were easy to rip apart and discard. She trembled in my arms as I breathed in her scent and licked the crotch.

"Mmm, prime pussy, but I think I want your ass," I growled, turning her around roughly.

She kept fighting until I unzipped my pants. Then the most pitiful sound came out of her mouth. It reminded me of a deer my father hit with his Mercedes one day while we were out on a rural road. It had been an accident, but he'd had to shoot the animal. The fucking suffering was far worse than the death.

Sighing, I pulled my pants up and let my babydoll go. When I turned her around, her eyes were red and swollen. She had bruises on her wrists from where I'd held her. At the time, I didn't think I was hurting her too badly. Lately, all I did was cause my angel pain.

"Bella," I whispered, touching her cheek. She flinched away and ran out of the bedroom.

A few minutes later, Jane came to inform me that she was taking Bella and Dante to Emmett and Rosalie's house. The ice in her voice let me know she knew I'd hurt Bella. I nodded, dismissing her quickly.

Deep down, I knew that I was on a fucking path of destruction. Dr. Uley wanted me back in fucking therapy, but I didn't want to do that shit anymore. It all felt so fucking wasteful. No matter what he did, I would still be a goddamn monster.

After I finished my cigarette, I pulled out my phone and dialed a familiar number. It was just another nail in my fucking coffin. My babydoll already hated my sorry ass. One more fuck up wouldn't change anything.

The bitch picked up after the third ring. "What's up, Edward?"

"That's Mr. Cullen to you, Gina. Meet me at the club in an hour. We got some new product, and I feel like getting fucked up," I said, imagining the numbness. "I'm sure we can find time to talk about the campaign, so you can also count it as work."

She was silent for a minute before answering. "I'll be there. You sure your angelic wife Isabella won't mind us working late? She seems a little jealous."

I snarled at the bitch. "Keep my wife's name out of your fucking mouth, Gina! Leave your shit at home. I just want to get high, Capisce?"

She laughed. The sound made my skin crawl. "I'll play along, Mr. Cullen. See ya soon, baby."

Let the descent into true Hell begin.

After I hung up, I went to take a long shower. My babydoll's shit was everywhere, reminding me we were really and truly married. I smiled, looking at one of Dante's rubber ducks on the edge of the Jacuzzi tub. Bella was right about everything. I was a fucking failure as father.

The shower helped a little, but I still had a lot of pent up nervous energy. To calm myself down, I snorted a few lines of cocaine. I'd been high most of the time for the last couple of days. The comedown was the reason I'd been so fucking mean to my babydoll.

Deciding I might as well do some good to counteract the bad, I pulled out my Iphone and dialed my angel. She didn't answer the first or second time, so I had to leave voicemails. I was on the third message when she finally picked up.

"What do you want, Edward?" she asked, moodily.

I sat down on the bed. "I want to say I'm sorry, babydoll. I didn't mean to hurt you. It's…just that I miss making love to you. It's not always going to be like this. I promise I'll make it up to you."

She snorted. "You have tried to rape me more than once. I know the law might not see it that way because we're married, but when I say no, I mean no! I'm afraid of you, Edward. Something is wrong with your mind. I never know what you're going to do next. I can't have you around Dante if you keep acting this way."

"What the fuck, Bella? You can't take me son away from me," I growled, standing up.

She sighed. "Edward, I'm not taking Dante away from you. I'm just saying that right now, I wouldn't trust you alone with him. You are becoming very violent towards me. I'm a fool to put up with it, but I won't let you hurt our baby. I'm responsible for his protection. I'm… I'm going to stay at Em and Rose's for a few days. I can't be around you right now."

I sat back down. "So you're just going to fucking leave me now? We've been through so much shit, Bella. I know I've been hurting you, but I'll get help. You and Dante belong at home with me. I love you both."

"Edward, I'm not abandoning you. I'm really scared. I haven't told anyone about what's been going on with you, but they've noticed that you're different. Are you still doing… drugs? We can get you help. I won't let you do this alone, honey. We need to sit down and talk. I'll come to your office tomorrow. We're staying here tonight," she stated softly.

I sobbed turning away from the phone, hoping that she couldn't hear me. "I'll be fine. Take care of Dante.

"We'll plan his birthday thing together. I'm sorry for fucking blowing you off earlier. Bella, I need you more than you know."

"I need you, too, but not like this," she cried. "Don't' make me regret it, Edward. I'm going to try, but you have to give me something. Is the man I love still in there?"

I nodded, even though no one was here to see me, and it was a fucking lie. "I'm here, babydoll. I'll see you tomorrow. Please kiss Dante for me."

By the time the call ended, the cocaine was thick in my blood. I felt invincible, like I could take on the world. This was the feeling that I craved. The euphoria of the high was enough to keep any motherfucker coming back for more.

I ended up choosing a pair of black slacks, a white button down shirt, and a black leather jacket with zippers. For shoes, I went with a pair of new black Nikes. Then I stood in the mirror and tried to tame my evil fucking hair to no avail; only my babydoll could make it look good, and she wasn't home.

Sighing, I grabbed my keys and headed to the garage. My Phantom was being detailed, so I was driving a red Maserati. It was a gift from one of the Boston Dons, and the shit was bulletproof. The car was also morbid because Tanya, rest her soul, had been the only women I'd ever fucked inside of it.

Minutes later, I was on the open road, blasting some old school Nas. I kept the tinted windows up so I wouldn't have to deal with bullshit, but I still got a lot of stares. Revving the engine, I made it to HADES in record time.

After I was parked, Felix came to give me an update. Shit was going well for the night. The bitches were acting right for once, and there weren't any problems with shipments. It was a goddamn miracle in my line of work.

"Boss, how's Bella? Chelsea and I have been meaning to take her up on that dinner invitation. Uh, you know Gina is in your office," he said uncomfortably.

"Bella is fine. Gina and I are working on the fucking campaign. Mind your own business, Felix. Remember who you work for," I snapped, stepping out of the elevator.

Before I got over the threshold, Felix grabbed my upper arm. "I know who and what I work for, Edward. Part of my job is to give you advice. I see shades of the old EC, and I don't like it. I'll go over you if I have to and warn your Godfathers. Bella and Dante are innocent, and you shouldn't hurt them. They've already been through enough."

I took a deep breath and turned to him. "I'll take care of my family. You should worry about your own life. Go downstairs and keep shit nice. My business is my business."

He let me go and pressed the down button. "She's too good for you. You're going to regret losing her, Mr. Cullen. Mark my words. One day, you'll wish you had chosen another road. I won't say anymore unless you hurt her."

"Fuck off," I mumbled, giving him the finger and stepping out of the elevator.

When I got to the office area, I stopped to look at the desk that Bella used to work from. I was so high that I could actually see her there in that sexy ass black skirt and green sweater. I'd been so fucking mean to her that first day, and all this time later, shit still hadn't changed.

I don't deserve her.

Before long, Gina came out to join me. She was wearing painted on dark jeans and a slinky black top. Today's feather was red and her makeup was heavy. She wore the type of cloying perfume that I hated. It was nothing like my babydoll's sweet and peaceful scents.

"What's with all the different fucking feathers?" I asked, eyeing her disgustedly.

She simpered, swaying her hips as she walked to me. They mean different things. The red one is for passion."

Snarling, I pulled her to my chest. "You work for me and we get high together. We're not even friends, Capisce? Don't make a fool of yourself, Gina."

She threw her head back and laughed. "You're funny, Cullen. I'm not the one getting high behind my spouse's back. All my passion is for Demetri tonight. He'll want to fuck me when he finishes work."

A few minutes later, we were sitting at my desk getting fucked up. Cocaine wasn't enough for me, so I had Gina prepare a needle. Surprisingly, she balked and backed away from me. I had to ask twice before she got her ass in motion.

"Fuck, Gina. I know you know how to prepare a fucking needle. What's the problem?"

She nodded. "I've had a lot of friends die from HIV and overdoses. I don't mess with heroin. It scares me."

I took off my shoes and socks, finding the vein between my toes. It was a good spot to shoot up because no one was likely to see a track there. I'd known motherfuckers who injected in their cock area but that shit wasn't for me.

"I use fresh needles and the Volturi shit is always pure. It's tested before I touch it. I hate you fucking drug snobs. You'll snort a whole boatload of cocaine but won't use the needle. It's all chemicals which fuck up the brain," I groused, rolling my eyes.

The last time I'd used heroin was when I thought Bella and Dante were dead and tried to overdose. They were with me, and I still needed the fucking drugs to cope with life. The whole situation was very fucked up on my part.

As the needle punctured my skin, I thought about Bella and Dante. I was glad they couldn't see me fucked up. I apologized to them and sat back to let the drugs flow through my veins. It didn't take long for the euphoric feeling to hit me.

"Fuck! That's some good shit," I yelled, laughing as Gina took another hit of coke.

She got up to pour us some Scotch while I took out the campaign materials. Heroin made everything sharper for me, and I was able to put down some ideas fast. Then I made a list of things I needed Gina to do before the election.

"Um, you have a very unique way of speaking, Edward. Are you sure you want to do this many public speeches?" she asked, hesitantly.

I crossed my arms behind my head and glared. "I have degrees from two Ivy league schools. I fucking know how to speak intellectually. In my world, that's not important, but I can turn it on if I need to get a more coherent message across. Book me on Channel Six. I've slept with all the local media bitches and they fucking hate me; but Channel Six is a newer station."

Gina stopped writing and looked up at me. "You've been with a lot of chicks. Why did you settle down? You don't seem to be happy."

"I love Bella and our son. I'm not happy because I won't let myself be happy. It has nothing to do with them. They're too good for me. None of the bitches I fucked hold a candle to my babydoll," I answered, shrugging.

"You have a strange way of showing love, Edward. I fuck a lot of married guys, but they choose it. I figure if it wasn't me, it would be some other broad. I'm as good as any," she slurred, putting down the Ipad.


A few hours later, we were both lying across the couch where I'd given Bella her first orgasm. I couldn't stand to see Gina there, so I put some throws and pillows on the floor for us. The drugs had done their thing and the comedown was making me tired.

Gina rolled onto her side and unbuttoned her top, leaving her tits free. I took a peak and looked away. They were nothing like my babydoll's perfect globes. Gina didn't smell like sunshine and baby's milk.

It's all wrong. Fuck! She Is all wrong.

"Aren't you going to touch me, Edward?" she asked as she unbuckled my pants.

I stilled her hand. "You're playing in dangerous territory. Back the fuck off."

Laughing, she pulled my cock out of my boxers. I was hard from the drugs and thinking of Bella. In my heart, I knew I should have stood up and ended it before it began, but I let her go further. My babydoll hated my guts, so one handjob wasn't going to change shit.

Gina's talons dug into balls as she pumped me. It fucking hurt, but the pain did a lot to clear my head. I looked away and played with a corner of the blanket as she murmured words in my ear. By then, I was too fucked up to really give a shit.

"I knew I'd get you, Cullen. All of you married men are the same. You want a nice sweet wife at home to take care of your children, but you want to fuck a woman like me."

I squeezed her wrist roughly, holding her in place. "No talking. You're the one fucking me, bitch. Don't talk about my family, or I'll cut your fucking tongue out."

She stopped and looked deep in my eyes. "You really are the Devil."

After I came, I stood up and went into the bathroom. I couldn't use the lair because I didn't want Gina to know about it. I felt sick and ended up vomiting four times in quick succession. I'd crossed a major fucking line, and my marriage was never going to be the same.

The man in the mirror didn't look like me. He had crazy green eyes and wild reddish-gold hair. His face was pale and withdrawn, accentuating the stubble on his jaw. He looked like death warmed over. I hated the man in the mirror.

When I got back to my office, Gina was gone. There was a note on my desk with a lipstick stain. I tore it up and threw it away. I didn't love the bitch, and she didn't love me. As the high wore off I began to cry.

"What have I done? What the fuck have I done?" I asked aloud, going into the lair. Since Gina was gone, I locked the main office door. Anne wasn't working...she was sick with the winter flu.

Once inside, I went to the bedroom and laid down. The Bella doll I'd had made was on my nightstand. I took it out of the glass and put it over my chest. Then I turned over and fell into a fucking nightmare.


The next day, I somehow managed to drag my pathetic ass out of bed. I felt like I'd been hit by a truck. Right then and there, I vowed to stay away from the smack. It left me feeling worse than coke.

After showering and getting dressed, I drove over to my main downtown office and caught up on stock figures and politics. Before long, I was bored and itching to see my babydoll. She texted me to let me know both she and Dante were on their way. Jane also called to inform me she wasn't far behind.

Half an hour later, my wife and son walked through the door. Bella was wearing a strapless blue dress which clung to all her curves. Her long hair was pinned up to the top of her head with a few free strands. She even had on platform heels.

"You look beautiful, babydoll," I said, leering like an animal.

She smiled and handed DC to me. He squealed and wrapped his fat little arms around my neck. Something in my cold dead heart moved, making me feel even guiltier for what I'd done with Gina.

"He missed you, Edward," Bella whispered, looking at us lovingly.

I kissed my son's forehead and rocked him in my arms. "I'm so sorry, Dante. Daddy has to do better. You and your mom are the best things in my life."

He smiled, put his thumb in his mouth, and began dozing. Before long, he was snoring lightly. My babydoll took him away from me and carefully placed him in his baby carrier. Then she turned on the music it played and sat it on a chair. My son looked so beautiful and peaceful.

"Bella, I'm sorry. In Chicago…I went to this place. I had to feel the pain. I'm sorry."

She reached across the table and took my hands. "Edward, what did you do? Please, tell me everything."

Groaning, I kissed the back of Bella's hand and began to tell her everything. We talked about the Portland shooting, my visit to a BDSM club in Chicago, and my Godfather's warning. I did not tell my babydoll about the shit with Gina, though.

By the time I finished speaking, Bella looked lost in thought. She tucked the blankets around DC and fidgeted, occasionally biting down on her juicy bottom lip. I squirmed in my seat, trying to hold my temper inside. The fucking silence pissed me off.

"Fucking say something," I seethed, rocking back and forth in my chair.

She opened and closed her mouth several times before speaking. "Edward, I don't understand why you needed someone to hurt you. I can't stand to see you in pain. I think…we should talk to Emmett about getting you a mental health evaluation."

Bella thinks I'm fucking crazy. Great. 

"Fuck that shit, babydoll. I'm not a fucking nutjob. I'll do better. Give me time," I begged.

My babydoll nodded, squeezing my fingers. "If you'll agree to go back to Dr. Uley and come to marriage counseling with me, I'll work with you. Honesty, I'm scared about what you just told me. The cutting has to stop, Edward. You might as well cut me. Your pain is my pain."

I looked down at our clasped hands while I tried to keep the churning in my stomach to a minimum. "About the sexual shit. I'm truly sorry, Bella. It won't happen again. I hate myself for what I've done to you. I would have castrated any motherfucker who tried that shit, yet I did it over and over again. Please, don't hate me."

"Edward, I love you, but the almost rapes were frightening. I'm a small woman and you're a big man. When you…tried to force yourself onto me, my heart would start beating out of my chest. I need to be healthy for Dante. He needs me. I can't live like this. You have to change or it's over," she confessed, unclasping our hands.

I walked over and knelt in front of her. "Babydoll, I'll change. I can't live without you and D.C."

Bella placed her tiny hand on my chin and closed her eyes. "I've loved you from that first day at HADES. I'll always love you, but I won't stay if things get worse. Are you sure you've told me everything?"

It fucking hurt to lie, but I had to do it. "That's it, Bella. I'm ashamed of what I did. The bitch that tortured me was naked, but I swear that I didn't touch her. It was about pain and making me hurt."

After our talk, I decided to spend the rest of the day with my family, so I drove Bella and Dante out to the dream mansion. Construction was due to be finished by Christmas Eve. Esme had spent an exhausting amount of time picking Bella's brain and getting every detail right. It was costing a fucking fortune, but I wanted the best for my babydoll.

"The ocean air makes me happy," Bella mused, rolling down her window.

Dante, who was sleeping in his car seat, began to whine. Instinctively, Bella reached back and plopped a fucking bottle in his mouth. He clutched it in his fat hands and went back to sleep. It always amazed me how easily my wife took to motherhood.

"You're doing an amazing job with DC, babydoll. I'm sorry I've been M.I.A. I'll do better," I promised.

She smiled at me. "I have some new pictures of him for you. Alice is getting her line ready for the show next week. We were fooling around in the studio, and one of her photographers fell in love with Dante. She took pictures of him in the buff with just a Santa hat. He looks adorable, Edward."

I accelerated, pulling into the paved driveway. "I want to see them later. He's getting so damn big."

After we parked and put Dante in a Baby Bjorn, which I wore, I took Bella for a walk around the property. It was huge, and we would have a nice view of the Ocean and the Olympic Mountains. It was the perfect place to raise kids and build a family.

The construction foreman came out to greet us. He looked at my babydoll's tits a little too long for my liking. I wrapped my arm around her waist, letting the fucker know that she was off limits. I was wearing my ankle holster, too, so he would have been wise to back the fuck away.

When we got to the left field, my babydoll gasped and dropped to her knees. I'd had a whole field of sunflowers planted for her. They were now in full bloom. Even for a monster like me, it was a nice sight.

"Thank you, Edward. I love this," she sobbed, pulling me along.

Dante woke up, so we maneuvered him so that he faced front. He was wearing jeans and a puffy blue jacket with mittens. I convinced Bella to let him take the gloves off. She was a little fucking obsessive about his temperature, but it wasn't that cold yet.

After awhile, Bella freed Dante and carried him from flower to flower. She was so fucking happy, humming and stopping to sniff each sunflower. Before long, I was under her spell, following her around like a fucking puppy dog. The Gina shit was on the tip of my tongue.

"Bella," I hedged, not meeting her eyes. "I…"
She put her fingers over my lips. "Shhh, let's stay perfect a little longer, Edward. I swore that I would give Dante a great first Christmas. Things aren't great between us, but please let him have that. Don't ruin it just yet."

Dante began rubbing his head against her chest and making nondescript baby sounds. Like a pro, Bella popped her tit out and stuck it in his mouth. Thankfully, we were deep enough in the field so that the tall flowers hid our silhouettes.

I sighed and looked up at the blue clear sky and bright sun. Days like today made it seem like there was nothing but fucking good in the world. With the drugs out of my system, I felt much better. It helped just to be near Bella. She was really an angel, but my demons were too deep. I knew that sooner or later, I would ruin her perfect moments.

"Anything for you, babydoll. Today is ours," I said, taking her offered hand.

It will get worse from here. Bella and Edward are just glossing over problems. The next chapter is longer and it will be Christmas. I'm going to do some pictures and stuff. I'll be with the Stoli. Review and get Dante hugs. Don't review and you get Gina's talons. It's always your choice. Huggles.


  1. It wasn't that...bad? IDK I can't think straight I was holding my breath lol I'm mad at Edward anyway.

    Thanks for the update!

  2. I don't understand why so many people stop reading this it's beautifully written and seeing as it involves some dark topics it's understandable shit is going to happen I love this story and plan on sticking through to the end :) I suppose once you hit the bottom the only way is up great update.. Rach x

  3. I agree. I really love this story, it's one of my favorites. The only thing I complain about is wanting more frequent updates. That is a good thing BTW, :o)
    It is such an interesting story and just so different from the others. Also,you are completely interactive with us readers. It is so fun being able to beat up Edward a bit on Formspring, it's all in good fun. Please don't listen to the haters. I think it is just stupid how they get all bent out of shape that Edward cheats, etc... He is a fictional character people! He is not real! Stop being so possessive with this character as if it is your own! Argh!!!
    You keep up the good work BB! We <3 you!

  4. I understand people not reading some chapters because of the infidelity, but leaving it all together? It's a fantastic story! I just wish I had a time machine so I could go in the future to read a new chapter every day.:p Keep up the great work B!(:

  5. I totally agree Byjan. To think of these haters just saying mean crap drives me insane. She is writting this on her free time and not getting paid. It's a hobby and it just pisses me off that some people could be so mean. I mean, if you don't like it, don't read it, don't blast the author either. I mean, there are some stories that don't interest me but you don't see me blasting them! I just don't read it and move on to something I would like to read.
    I LOVE this story and can't wait to see how it turns out.
    Thank you BB for making a story that is actually interesting to read and characters that we care about and not some run of the mill dulldrum same old same old story.
    <3 Sunny

  6. Honestly I was waiting til you had more done to start reading. I saw your note with the chapter notification. Reading the 1st one with all the drama was easier when I didn't have to wait for an update. I love it, but it's a lot of angst and sometimes too much for me... but I wont quit. So, don't worry about us leaving you I hope it's the same for others as well. You're doing a great job!

  7. I am still holding out for this torture of a journey you are taking Edward and Bella on BUT I think the updates could come closer but I also know how RL is and not everything is flowers and ice cream! Just keep up the great work and can't wait for the next update!!

  8. Love the story, hate Edward. I know its going to get worse, but can we please move along, the wait for the disaster is killing me.

  9. Great Chapter. I can't beleive people have stopped reading. I love the story and think you will have a HEA. Of course it's going to get worse, you can tell that from the prologue.

  10. Amazing as always. I hate what Edward does to his family but I'm glad that this story is different from others. It's not all glossy and perfect. You've always got a reader in me!